We sat under the wide shade of a broad tree, looking down the hill into the town below. The longer you stared down at the buildings and streets below, arranged haphazardly and all different colours like a diseased mouth, the more movement you saw from people… cars. Everything remained still and peaceful until you fixed on a point and watched everyone rushing around seemingly at random like disturbed ants.

She reclined next to me, bug-eye shades obscuring most of her face, idly picking at a seething spot on the end of her chin. In her armpit she cradled the bottle that we shared, whilst the air around us hung heavy with the most recent smoke. Flags fluttered, trees swayed, the town buzzed and hummed with nervous energy but inside our chemical bubble everything was still and silent and warm.

Crap ideas are currency in this town, she said to me. Crap feelings, crap emotions, crap art. Everything is designed around rubbish… not even negativity, just plain…crap. Waving a hand vaguely in front of her, as though shooing a dribbling child from an immaculate wedding dress, she continued; …just crap. What’s that monstrosity of a sculpture in the middle of the town? Crap. What feelings does it engender? Anger and hatred. Who gets it? All of us.

I raised an eyebrow and leaned over. The spot picking stopped and the bug eyes spun to face me. I said; You’re just a born again hooligan, only to be a Queen again.

She spat on the floor between her legs and passed me the warm bottle. I wouldn’t rule over this. I wouldn’t want future generations to remember my reign and remember me being responsible for all of this.

I laughed. For someone who loves chaos and disorder I’m surprised. What part of this don’t you admire…? The senseless wandering… the public art thrown together like a hurricane through a scrapyard… the duality of the insurance salesman who wants to protect you Monday to Friday and then beat the shit out of you on a Saturday night

She took a deep breath and put the shades on the top of her head. You really want to know who I admire? I actually saw one the other day…

…Priests? Painters? The morbidly obese?

No, she snapped. And don’t interrupt me mid-flow. No, I’m talking about trainspotters.

Silence. I took a sip of warm, flat sparkling wine and waited until she realized I was looking at her.

I’m serious. I saw one the other day at the station. Just a dude… no anoraks or beards or any of that cliched shit. He wasn’t old and he didn’t smell like the inside of a packet of peanuts or a cut of old meat. He was just a normal dude, a normal clean guy… writing down numbers… train numbers. She counted out on her fingers. Numbers, models, times…

…and this is admirable, how?

Because, she began, they are making sense of *their* chaotic Universe in *their* own way. It’s so simple. Thousands of trains going here and there, spitting in two and collecting others, changing lines and speeding to the far corners of the country, breaking down and being replaced. And yet, for them, it’s all about the numbers, a pen and a notebook. Imagine being able to control any aspect of the world, no matter how complex or simple, with just a pen, a notebook and a few numbers.

I handed the bottle back to her. So all this time I’ve had you wrong? You want to control the Universe?

No, she said softly, as the glasses came back down onto the bridge of her nose. I don’t *want* to control anything. I just want to know that I can.

Author: jimmicampkin

Writer and photographer (and occasional other things) currently living in the North East of England. Everything is my own unless otherwise stated. So blame me.

6 thoughts on “Binge”

  1. We are all, trying, to make sense of the madness that’s, a part of this, world right now, based off of our, different, but equally, valid experiences of life, we are, making sense, building from our, separate, knowledge base of things, trying to understand…

  2. At a time when I’m so horribly stifled, creatively, your beautiful observations of life inspire me and give me hope. Love your writing, Jimmi.

    1. Thank you, that means a lot to me. I am struggling also, and I feel like these recent small little bits and pieces are me trying to jump start a car… hoping that it bumps back into life again.

      1. Sorry to hear that! It seems we’re not alone either. I’ve read of many other creatives who are finding inspiration hard to come by.

        I wish I could give you a push, but I’ve every faith you’ll get there yourself soon.

      2. I’m sure we all will… it is just tricky during these Strange And Uncertain Times I guess to relax enough to write straight. I’m sure some are channeling their apocalyptic anxieties into gibberingly beautiful prose but I was struggling even before it happened…

  3. Haha. And also some not so gibberingly beautiful…

    I’ll stick with the gibberingly real. That’s what inspires me (eventually).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: